Remember to Appreciate Life

Jamie — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 05:00:57 +0000

I suppose this would be another reflection post. Two weeks ago I had a bad day with a terrible headache behind my left eye that mom and I think was caused by sinus pressure. It’s been a while since I’ve really felt bad so it bought down my spirits temporarily. While in bed the next morning with my headache finally gone, I couldn’t help but think that I let it get to me a little too much. I’ve been so much worse. Then for some reason, it got me thinking about how scary my situation has been. I believe I mentioned this briefly in a post long ago, but although medicine has come a long way, my bone marrow transplant is still a dangerous procedure. There’s a 25% fatality rate. That means 1 out of 4 do not survive; that’s a pretty sad statistic is in my view. At this point, it’s very unlikely that I’m in that percentage, but while in the hospital, it was always in the back of my mind. I would try not to think of it, but at times (especially when I felt my worst) it would surface. I’m pretty sure I haven’t shared this, but in the hospital, one of my fellow patients passed away. I didn’t know her name. She was on the opposite side of the floor, but her husband talked to mom in the family room. Mom talked to almost all the caretakers there. In fact, we still see several of them at Moffitt every day since we all were released around the same time. The poor woman had been on a respirator and lived for 3 days after it was removed. Those were difficult days. Being the floor’s star walkers, we would pass her room several times a day. Her whole family was there and it was just so sad. Her husband tried to keep a smile on his face (even after she passed) and he was just so nice. When this all happened, I was pushing a full IV pole while walking and dealing with my worst pain and not being able to eat solid food. The timing just made the situation that much more difficult to watch. At the same time, I had to be thankful that I was still alive and managing to survive. It may be cliche, but life is a gift that we often forget to appreciate. With my oral cancer in 2005, I experienced a passing that was much more personal. After my surgery, I often had to go to Miami for prosthetic adjustments and check-ups. On one such occasion, there was another woman with her husband in the waiting room and you could tell she was extremely nervous. My doctor came out and introduced us so that she could talk to me because I had already been through the surgery and was doing well with my prosthetic. Her name was Diane Blazy and she taught photography at the Ft. Lauderdale Art Institute. Her specialties were flowers and angels; she did beautiful work. She was in her 50s. We didn’t have the exact same oral cancer; hers was more serious, as she had to have lymphnodes removed. We talked, exchanged information, and Diane called me quite often while going through her surgery and radiation treatments. Again, since I was ahead of her, I could really tell her what to expect. She had a harder time with her surgery because of the lymphnodes, and she found the prosthetic more challenging. As time passed, the calls became more infrequent until I didn’t hear from her for a long time. Every year we would send them a Christmas card, then in 2007 we received a shocking response. Her husband, Bob, sent us a card with a newspaper article copy eulogizing Diane; the cancer had taken her life. The big “C.” That word makes people cringe and I know with Joel, I usually have to say I was “sick” rather than using the word “cancer.”

Be thankful for each day and avoid the stresses of everyday life because only God knows when it’s our time. I’m going to be working at this every day because, like everyone else, I get caught up and forget. I believe Diane and the woman on my floor are with the Lord and finally pain-free, but I feel for the families they left behind. Love each other and focus on the positive. Choose joy over anger and praise God for showing me the correct path.

Re-Discovery and Self-Reflection

Jamie — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 18:00:21 +0000

I think when anyone goes through a situation like mine, you can’t help but re-examine your life and really consider what’s important. What I’ve realized is that I always knew, but denied myself a lot. Joel and I changed our lifestyle after my last cancer by trying harder to avoid stress and spending more quality time as a family, like going to the park or taking family trips. We also downplayed the importance of money in our lives which greatly reduced the number of heated arguments Joel and I used to have. However, as the years passed since my 2005 cancer, I think I was starting to allow myself to get wrapped up in work again and I know I was stressing more at home because I felt like I couldn’t get anything done – cooking, laundry, childcare, cleaning… So now, I’m trying to look at my current cancer as a blessing. It’s reminding me of the life lesson I really should have completely learned in 2005 and showing me what I need to do make myself happy and improve my family’s quality of life.

So what have I discovered so far? Family and God are the most important things in the world. All things are possible through the Lord and I need to devote more time to prayer and praise. Then family ties directly to that. I want to spend more quality time with my husband and little boys. I want to do crafts with Jake, as I’ve rediscovered my past love for plastic canvas sewing which is a lot like cross-stitching but with yarn. I’ve been working on Christmas ornaments and the hobby forces me to work with my hands, which is incredibly important for me to manipulate. I absolutely love it! I forgot how much I used to enjoy crafting. Mom and I have gone to a few craft stores and I just want to buy everything and do this activity and that activity. And then, I think about how fun it would be to do lots of these crafts with Jacob, and I’m looking forward to seeing if he’s interested when I return home. Joel has always been good about taking time for himself so he doesn’t go nuts and I never really allow myself the same – and you know what? I need to. Everyone should have an outlet that’s just for fun, for them. Some love to garden, some love to cook, and I used to love crafts and reading. For now, I’m going with crafts. I still have concentration issues, and have found magazines easier to handle than novels; plus, realistically I can do crafts in noise and buzz, but not reading.

Overall, I guess what I’m saying is that for most of us, our priorities are skewed and we just need to be aware. I believe my eyes are open now, and I have a feeling that more revelations are to come.

The Q Family Blog » Reflection

Remember to Appreciate Life

Re-Discovery and Self-Reflection